Lip Plumper - Shopping Tale of the Exploding Lips

I thought my favorite lipstick had been discontinued three years ago. So imagine my sheer glee when a Sax make up guy with an uncanny resemblance to Brad Pitt found a handful in the samples section. But like any woman who's about to spend an unusually high amount for a tube of gloss, I decided to survey the counter to make sure this was in fact the best bang for my buck. And that's when I ran across The Plumper.

"That's a plumper," Brad remarked, very bright eyed and bushy tailed as I surveyed the rival shimmery bronze. "It gives you full fantastic lips. It's so hot right now."

"What do you mean it gives you full fantastic lips?" Surely, Brad must have found something ironic about sharing the virtues of full lips to an African American woman, but he proceeded to explain anyway.

According to Brad, the plumper had ingredients that made your lips fuller, sexier, hotter to which I responded to myself "Yeah, right."

"Is that safe?" I asked Brad, recollections from killer beauty doc American the Beautiful still haunting me. He smiled that "I guess we'll know in ten years" kind of smile and I agreed.

But with one swab of the plumper, my lips started to tingle and burn, like I'd painted them with liquid Tic-Tacs and acetone. Brad said I'd get used to it and as I waited for the icy fire to a wane I looked in the mirror noticed this plumper had one heck of a gleam. Tingle aside, the plumper gave my favorite gloss a run for it's money in pure shine factor, and after having a bevy of sales guys do a cross cultural lipstick comparison, I said to heck with my discontinued favorite and bought the plumper.

Let me remind you, the plumper was not made for me, my family or any one totally unconcerned with lip size. The whole culture of collagen injected lips is stamped with a does not apply sign in my life world and affairs. So why buy the plumper? Well, I didn't expect it to work. I figured it was another cosmetic industry scheme like at home teeth whiteners or hair growth stimulators, some new product who's effectiveness is hard to measure.

Well, it took all of five minutes for me to walk from the across Michigan Ave. to my car before I realized this Plumper stuff was potent. My lips were ice cubes, stinging into numbness. It felt like the Black Hawks were playing ice hockey on my pucker. My heart started racing like I'd ran a marathon and I could feel the icy hot sheets formerly known as my lips expanding like glaciers. By the time I got to the car and checked the rearview mirror, I looked like a bee had stung me in the kisser. To which I said "I'm taking this crap off."

I ran back to Sax, testing the limits of the 15 minute parking breaks zone, found Brad and made a switcheroo before scrubbed that plumper crap off.

"Dude, that tingly feel never goes away," I said. "And my heart was pounding."

"Yeah, that's what the other customers say. Not everyone likes it"

"No kidding."

I did some reading on the phenomenon, and apparently the plumper is the rage in make up circles. There are a host of review and product sites. Some formulas use a traditional lip-plumping ingredient that stimulates collagen and boosts hydration. Others use ingredients that help retain moisture, which gives lips the appearance of being fuller. Some work, some don't.

But don't expect any more plumper updates from me. I'm done with the icy hot bee sting.